But, just to mess with me, Boston decided that today should be a warm day, with sunshine and everything, after months stacked upon months of cold, bitter winter. And naturally, while I was out walking around enjoying the day, everybody was out with their dogs. I think they did it to taunt me, because tonight/tomorrow’s forecast calls for snow and rain. So if my flight ends up delayed, I’m going to be the guy you see on the news going apeshit in Logan Airport.

Tivo it for me.

But for those of you who have not dived into the miasmic world of job searching during a recession, or who are already comfortable in jobs, let me tell you that it is awful. More than that, it’s depressing and absolutely robs you of any will to do anything. I spend hours looking through every job listing site I can find, sending out resumes and cover letters that are met with…nothing. And nothing is not, as it turns out, a real cool hand. I’d rather have the HR manager call me up and laugh at me than hear nothing back. A simple no would at least let me know that someone is out there, and is actually looking at my stuff.

So imagine my absolute delight when I got an email back yesterday from Dynasty Marketing asking me if I could come out for an interview today for a Marketing Sales Representative position with their company, which works with Sports and Entertainment venues. Of course, I called and told them, that would be great. 2 P.M. you say? I’ll see you then, and thank you so much for considering me!

You’ve probably already assumed from the post title and my general tone that this is going to be a story about a bad job interview experience. I’ll tell you right now that red flags started popping up almost immediately after I scheduled this interview, but I figured that at the very worst it would give me some experience with the interview process.

Yeah, not so much…

Here’s how desperate I am to get a job right now. Given a day’s notice about an interview in Burlington, Mass, I had my suit pressed at Men’s Wearhouse, booked a Zipcar for the afternoon and prepped a list of references for the interview. I spoke to both my parents to tell them that I had an interview, and even discussed the possibility of bringing my car up to Boston if I did get the job. I woke up early so that I could trim up my beard, eat some breakfast and make sure that I looked presentable. I had directions printed out and CDs ready for the drive (I picked Maylene and the Sons of Disaster for some good vibes heading out there).

Then my Mom calls. She’s did some google searching, and read something about how it was all a rip off. She had a website up for a different Dynasty Marketing, so I figured it was just a coincidence. Funny how those things work out.

Things went askance pretty quickly. I got all dressed and walked around the block to pick up my car, which wound up being a bright red Toyota Matrix. I knew the make and model, but I wasn’t expected it to look so much like an oversized Playskool pedal car. Turns out this car also has some of the worst blind spots I’ve ever (not) seen. I almost took out a Chrysler getting onto the Turnpike.

After some minor trouble finding the place–whoever designed the highway system in Massachusetts should be forced to wander it for all eternity–I arrive at their office. It’s in a rundown industrial park in that great American no man’s land known as “near the mall.” The front room has a widescreen TV with CNN blaring (I’d later–as in just now–realize that it’s to provide background noise when people call), some very cheap looking furniture and a lot of unmarked doors. When I asked to use the bathroom, I was led through a maze of gutted offices to the bathroom, which had a shower in it.

So I fill out a quick little application, sit down and wait with two girls that they scheduled for the same time. The warning sirens are absolutely deafening at this point. I spent half an hour watching bullshit “news” coverage (some woman in S. Korea has failed her driving test 771 times, apparently) which was punctuated by a daily press briefing from the white house. Finally, I get called into the interview.

And then I left the interview. I spent at most five minutes talking to this woman, who explained that they buy up free vouchers for sports and entertainment venues, then sell them at conferences, school, stores, etc. I am given almost no information about what the job will entail, asked only the most basic questions (do you prefer an office or being out in the field?) and sent packing with a promise that I’ll hear whether or not I move on to the next interview sometime soon.

So when I get home, I look into it, and it’s all basically a huge scam. Well, scam probably isn’t the right word. They’re not trying to get money from me, they’re just trying to get me to go out selling coupons for commission, which will give them money while giving me next to nothing.

Apparently this company, or another independent branch of it, pops up in every town and starts spamming job boards with promises of “Marketing Experience” and “Rapid Advancement. ” It’s all entry level, so they can grab kids in college or just out of it and put them to work for a little while. If you stick with it and advance through their “Management Training Program,” you eventually get to move to another backwater hellhole and try to rip off other kids fresh out of college.

So I won’t be going back for that next interview. Back to the job boards for me.

God this sucks.

I took this picture about a month ago, when we got the first big snowstorm, and I think it pretty much sums up winter in Allston, Massachusetts. Hipsters start wrapping chains around the tires of their fixed gears, the snow gradually takes on the ashen pallor of the apocalypse and there are Ugg prints everywhere. Throw in patches of ice that can drop you on your ass and impassable snowbanks on every sidewalk and you’ve pretty much got the whole experience.