I Hate Peter Travers’ Review of Slumdog Millionaire…
Posted: January 23, 2009 at 1:49
It’s time for another installment of “I Hate Peter Travers.” After going through The Wrestler last week. I kind of wanted to do a movie that I’d actually seen for a change. Unfortunately, I don’t get out to the movies that often, so no luck there. However, given that Peter Travers has done me the favor of never writing anything about a movie that you couldn’t pick up from the press releases, I don’t think I should have any problem mocking his reviews of movies I haven’t seen yet.
So this week, I’m going after his review of Slumdog Millionaire. The movie has already gotten rave reviews from the three people I know who’ve seen it, along with an Oscar nod for Best Picture, it seems timely enough. Feel free to read the review, or just follow the jump to see me take sections of it out of context for comedic purposes.
What I feel for this movie isn’t just admiration, it’s mad love.
For those of you who elected not to read the actual review, this is the first line. Normally I’d expect some statement declaring his admiration before a statement that qualifies said undeclared admiration.
And I couldn’t be more surprised. The plot reeks of uplift: An illiterate slum kid from Mumbai goes on the local TV version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and comes off like a brainiac.
Oh yes, Peter Travers is so credible because he hates overly sappy movies too. Because there’s nothing more uplifting than illiterate slum kids. God they’re just so precocious. They’re all like that Dakota Fanning, except for the crushing poverty, fighting to survive every day and, you know, not being able to read.
Who wants to see that? Final answer: You do.
Ah. I see what you did there Peter. Rather than stick to your typical rhetorical questions, you made a topical joke involving the game show on which the movie is based. Good for you. bom bom bom bom wooooo.
Slumdog Millionaire has the goods to bust out as a scrappy contender in the Oscar race.
Since I assume that most people don’t follow Peter Travers with the same Crusader’s zeal that I do, I should take a moment to explain that Peter Travers loves to prognosticate the Oscars. Granted, he was right this time, but a broken clock is still pretty damn useless. This was one of the easiest Oscar picks to make. The Academy loves to grab an indie movie to make themselves seem relevant, and the buzz has big so big that I didn’t even have to see the movie to tell that it would make it.
Aside from the Oscar comment, is anyone else picking up some weird sexual undertones to this whole thing? “Mad love”? “goods to bust out”? I’m curious to see how far he goes with this.
It’s modern India standing in for a world in full economic spin. It’s an explosion of color and light with the darkness ever ready to invade. It’s a family film of shocking brutality, a romance haunted by sexual abuse, a fantasy of wealth fueled by crushing poverty.
Hey, it’s the obligatory line of random sentences! Time for the lightning round (damn, these game show jokes are easy):
It’s modern India standing in for a world in full economic spin.
I have to imagine that Peter Travers didn’t realize that America’s not looking so hot right now either. I assume that this line could have applied regardless of where the movie was set, because, as he says, the world is in full economic spin right now. I’m just glad he didn’t use that R word. Thanks Pete.
It’s an explosion of color and light with the darkness ever ready to invade.
Since Peter Travers is incapable of actually talking about the themes of a movie, he simply makes veiled references to relevance, hidden under what sounds like a jackass describing exactly what passes in front of his eyes without ever taxing his brain.
It’s a family film of shocking brutality, a romance haunted by sexual abuse, a fantasy of wealth fueled by crushing poverty.
This could almost qualify for further breakdown, except for that the fact that these are three of the most vapid, empty phrases with which any human being could possibly describe anything, so I’m not even going to bother. Yes, we get it. You found some complicated paradoxes within a film. Keep on patting yourself on the back for DOING THE EXACT SAME THING THAT THE TITLE OF THE GODDAMN MOVIE DID.
You won’t find many fairy tales that open with a graphic torture scene.
Stop…just stop. Just stop treating us like idiots. Stop pretending that you understand anything. Stop pointing out obvious paradoxes. Stop branding a film as a fairly tale because you can’t understand even the most basic premise of story telling.
Presumably this is not the way Regis Philbin ran things when the show hit America in 1999.
You son of a bitch. I can’t handle your cheap humor anymore. I’m just disgusted. I need a shower.
Brimming with humor and heartbreak, Slumdog Millionaire meets at the border of art and commerce and lets one flow into the other as if that were the natural order of things.
Wait…maybe I’m wrong about all of this. This could be the beginning of a somewhat intelligent thought. I mean, film has always been a medium defined by the struggle between artistic vision and studio commerce. Personally, I’ve always found this to be one of the most engrossing aspects about it. I want to see where he’s going with this before I pass any judgment.
Sweet.
I..I’m just at a loss for words here. I may have to go break something. Where’s my fubar?
The no-bull honesty of Slumdog Millionaire hits you hard. It’s the real deal. No cheating.
Oh thank god it’s over. I always find it interesting how the synonyms and metaphors just dry up by the closing of the review. After weaving the same two concepts around for this entire duration of this travesty, we’re stuck with more repetitions of the same game-show jokes and worthless tropes about honesty and paradox. God I hate you Peter Travers.
You’re not the brightest individual are you? This isn’t an accurate dissection of a review but rather an unrelenting hatred spilled out into words that you feel are justified. I am in no way a fan of Mr. Travers, but your points are absolutely ridiculous.